The ambivalences of growing distance

Ever since I was pregnant with Tom, I have been thinking of the "growing distance" question. A week before Tom's delivery, I told my husband that from the moment of Tom's birth, the baby and I would never be as close again. Never.

Now Tom is four and a half months old. He starts pushing himself into standing and arches his back so as to see what's beside and behind/above him. He's very curious, and he is far from agreeing with me on some subjects. Disagreement he utters by wildly flailing his arms, pushing things away, using After this short time ,I feel so distant from him sometimes; when I do not know what it is that he wants; when I know what he wants but I do not want it, when our wishes are so apart from each other's.

The heroine of my dissertation novel would love that. It would prove that her daughter is different from her, does not follow in her footsteps, becomes different from her. It's like that character in the book denies her role model position. Even if in our conscious state we might not want our kids to become like us, our education, our notions, our every moves and behaviors just teach them to be our kids, teach them to take over certain aspects from us.

Sometimes it seems to me like Tom is speaking to my, he is convinced I understand his baby talk, to him it's serious language. I have the feeling he is already imitation the pitch of my voice, my speech melody. Surprise, anger, enjoyment - it's all there already.

And like the heroine of the dissertation novel I like that he is different from me, in looks, in attitude, in gender. It is such a gift to have someone else around, someone so completely new and different. It's exciting, sometimes scary because you don't know anything about that person, but lovely at the same time. Never boring, always full of surprises.

And to bridge the distance, to manage dialogue, even at this early stage, and to maintain that dialogue throughout life, isn't that it what it is all about, education, raising one's child?

At least I hope that's part of it.

I am terribly tired today. I read something about tradition in the sense of its Latin origin tradere, carry over. What do we carry over form ourselves into the next generation?
I have been a teacher for a few years, and I had never too much doubt about what to teach and how to deal with the aspect of tradition. Choosing what to pass on and what not seemed to be "natural". Being a mother myself now changes all that. Why? What for?

Must get some more work done.

Tom's Mom.

- 1.4.2008 - Kommentare {0} - Schreibe einen Kommentar

Growing with the child

Hi everyone,

We've been sick for two days. Outside the sun is shining gloriously, and we cough, sneeze, swoon around the house. Tom seems the healthies of us, he plays with his new giraffe toy and sometimes coughs and sneezes but he seems happier than his parents. You could learn from that!

PhD work done: none. Read a bit about the main character's daughter, whom her mother tries to raise differently from the way she was raised - and thus raising her the same. Vicious circle.

Of course we are all trying to do the best for our kids, mean well, , want to outdo the education our parents gave us. We pretend to be so different but the above mentioned aims are exactly what all parents want for their children.

I, for instance, would have loved to get more of a musical education, with learning instruments, going to the theatre or even the movies, discussing books, all the things I am still trying to catch up with, which my professional carreer just proves, I think. But that's not what Tom wants; it's what I have wanted for myself!

I guess, I have to acknowledge that Tom might be very much into sports, at least, he lives in the US! Or that he might love engines, cars, trucks, stuff that I have never been into at all! It's difficult to be fair, to be just, to be objective, even now at this early stage. I should love him for being different from me, from us!

The main character's daughter somehow manages to accept that her mom is different and yet that she, as her daughter, is in part the same.

The daughter is bright (but then, she's fictional!). She sees her mother with some irony and can well distinguish between her mother's wishes and her own. But maybe that's because her mother tells her everything that has happened in her life up to the point of the present? -- I have kept a diary for over 20 years now, would I ever show it to my kid(s)? Would I want Tom to read this?

Am I ever to grow into being a mom?

But let's come back to some down-to-earth topic. I wanted to purchase a highchair for Tom, one of those that "grow with the child". Here, in the US, you have to pay more than $200, I even found some for over $400. Who would pay that for a chair? My idea of this kind of chair was and still is to have Tom sit at the table with us during meal times, because we regard them as family events, three times a day, where there is talk, and food, and entertainment, culture!

I still think that taking part in that culture requires equal oportunities at the table, and SHARING the table in the literal sense as well as figuratively.

Does culture have to be so expensive? It's just some wood beams nailed together. (I have not skills in carpenter things whatsover but the things don't look too difficult on the Internet).

So what do I do? Have one shipped from Europe, so the shipping is costlier than the item itself? Give in and buy a super douper plastic chair that is of no use after one or two years?

Anyone an answer for that? Reply then!

Tom's Mom

- 29.3.2008 - Kommentare {0} - Schreibe einen Kommentar

On the dilemma of becoming parent

- 27.3.2008 - Kommentare {0} - Schreibe einen Kommentar

Happy Teething! Happy Thinking!

Happy teething!

Last night it was difficult to calm down Tom, he's teething!

However, this morning he woke up smiling and has been in a very good mood all day, playing with one of his friends and, above all, with his new discovery: his feet! He can play with them (holding them in his hands, trying to chew on them etc.) for 30 minutes! If I had to do that I'd go bonkers after just about 7 minutes. We actually had a little competition. Of course, I lost.

I did much work for my dissertation today, though, interpretation-wise and reading-wise.

Sometimes I wish I could just call or email the authors of various articles that I have to read and thank them or scold them or ask them questions, questions, questions. Sometimes I do that, with varying results. 

Nonetheless sometimes it is VERY easy to take Tom as an excuse for not working ("He should be waking up any minute now, does it actually make sense to start reading this paragraph?" etc.), but then I look at the remaining 1,000 pages of the novel that I have to study closely and just KNOW it's not alright to make excuses.

That's why I stop writing now and read some more.

Tom's Mom

- 26.3.2008 - Kommentare {0} - Schreibe einen Kommentar

Ah, here we go

So here we go!

I found my way back in!

As I said it was nice in church, they have a little crying room at the back of the church (unfortunately that concept isn't known in my home country), and going there was interesting for Tom: other babies, toys, colored windows, and, above all, music. He enjoyed every moment of it, smiled a lot, wasn't fussy at all.

Progress on my dissertation: none.

But it's 8.44am right now and I already did today's assignment (I assign myself a task every day), more interpreting of missing excerpt.

I also read something about the psychotheraeutical effects of re-telling one's hi-story, about the effects of repression of memories.

Today I want to go and find some toys for Tom, he hasn't very many (some bears, two rattles), but since he develops so quickly we (my husband and I, so yes, there's a hubby, too! And how much I love him! And the little one!) decided to get him some toys. Sensible toys. Now I have to browse the Internet for Montessory education and Montessori toys. We have a bouncer that is nice but it came with some additional arch that you can prop into the bouncer. It makes awful sounds, is made of plastic and the songs it plays repeat themselves every minute. Tom hates it after 5 minutes.

I hope I find something useful and affordable. Having a baby is sometimes tantamount to exploring a new universe. And consumation is made so easy, most of the stuff seems not worth buying it but the add make you feel soooo bad if you refuse to buy what everyone else has, soooo baaaad.

Will talk of the results later, will do some more reading now as long as Tom is asleep.

Tom's Mom

- 24.3.2008 - Kommentare {0} - Schreibe einen Kommentar

Welcome!

Hi!

I am Tom's Mom. I am the mother of a four-month-old boy who tries to keep track of his development and tries to create memories, for later days.

I am also working on my brainchild, a dissertation in the literary field. It's about omissions that occur in literary translations and the effect they create. It's about missing memories and missing meaning.

I want to keep track on both Tom's development and my progress, which I find to be an interesting crossover.

Example: Yesterday Tom statred to roll over, sit on his own for a few moments, and to push himself into a standing position, all in one day; I manage to interpret a few pages of the novel I am working on.

Today, Tom explores sounds, I read 10 pages about trauma and forceful forgetting, understood the difference between memoire voluntaire and memory involuntaire. And I start this blog, which I have wanted to do for a looooooooong time.

More tomorrow,

Tom's Mom

- 22.3.2008 - Kommentare {2} - Schreibe einen Kommentar